ok, here we go...T was released  late  on 4/20, went critical mid day on 4/22. Fucking A, why do they keep doing this. I watched him like a hawk, gave him his meds as prescribed, watched his intake, tucked him in...and today went to hell in a handbasket from the getgo. He got mad this morning cause he couldnt find his shoes, then got mad at me cause I wouldnt go buy him some......it was 6 in the morning for Gods sake. And just how in the Sam hell was I supposed to get there. Then he decided he was going to try and do it himself. He can barely stand, much les walk, I literally turned my back long enough to go to the potty and he was out the door, shuffling his way down the street. He had made it to the corner and was attempting to cross the street before I could find him, so it was out the door in my housedress..aka jammies, going to try to retrieve  him before he fell or got hit by a car.

I got him home and in the house, and by this time he was really pissed, cursing at me for not  letting him do anything, He couldnt sit still or remain in one place and collided with my lamp twice, turning that into rubble, then he headed for the kitchen, fell into the counter and took out half my dishes, broken glass and plates all over hell, managed to get him out of that and he headed for the front door again and almost went out the front window, at which time I hit 911. What shows up at my door but 5 cops and an ambulance, they get him into ER and his 02 stats were 86 and he was unresponsive, last thing he said to me was"fuck" and he went unresponsive....and still is, and they are transporting him back to Tuscon.

They asked me a question tonight, they said, what do you want us to do if he stops breathing or his heart stops....I told them to let him go, that it will be Gods decision at that point not mine.

I petted his head and laid mine down next to his, telling him I love him, nothing, no response, all he could do is stare at the ceiling.

OMG OMG OMG OMG............WHAT AM i GONNA DO? I talk a lotta shit, but i wonder if people know how very terrified I am.


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